Subjects

In a renewed attempt to write in this blog I will break the subjects of this entry down individually:

My Boyfriend:

Has been in the hospital for about a week with pneumonia. Can't say its been easy on me. He's pretty much completely covered and should be discharged by Monday. You don't know how much you take even simple things for granted, like cuddling up next to your boyfriend and watching tv until you can't do it. He's been on an IV the whole time which meant for a lot of the time he couldn't move around a lot because the pain it caused the hand it was in. Seeing him in pain and not knowing what to do to make him feel better was the worst.

School:

Is a big, lonely place and its really starting to get to me. I walk around and see groups of people and it pains me that I don't have a group of my own to go to. During my last semester at Grossmont there was a group I hung out with. Though they were only casual acquaintances through classes I've taken it meant a lot to me that they let me hang out them. I didn't know then how much I'd miss having that; to see people who know you and welcome you on a regular basis. Past circumstances has caused me to be increasingly aloof around people, especially those I don't know. I've even got complaints from my mom that I'm not "social" enough at family gatherings. I don't do it to be an asshole. I don't want to make my presence a burden on anyone so I simply choose not to engage myself. I would much rather be do that than open myself up and suffer alienation by a group I invested a lot of myself into because I did "the wrong things". I would not wish that level of pain on anyone. It fucks you up forever. It causes you to look around at the people you know with a certain suspicion. No one can really be trusted.

My Friends:

Suck. I mentioned (on Facebook) the two above subjects and I got responses from them saying they'd be there for me. So then comes a show I have to see for one of my classes and since my boyfriend was in the hospital I had no one to go with. My "best friend" then offers to go with me until she hears about the ticket price then suggests some other plans to meet up for coffee the following Saturday (which she never followed up on btw). Don't say you're going to be there for me if you're not going to make good on it. I went to that show alone and seeing the theatre filled with groups of friends made me feel just *great*. I would be one thing if this has been the only time my friends have let me down but it isn't. Its been a lot of little shit over the years that I've let go because I choose to give them the benefit of the doubt. I'm coming to the harsh realization that maybe I don't have any real friends, just a lot of acquaintances. Just because someone "friends" you on Facebook and comments on your wall posts does not make them your friend. Sometimes I toy with the idea of deleting all the people from my profile or even deleting it alltogether and never talk to any of those fuckers again. But without them I'd have no one and having literally no one is what scares me the most. I don't like being alone with myself. There is a lot of dark shit inside me that I don't want to deal with but I fight with it every day. I don't think they really know about it.

High off Belonging: Upgrade quit SPG

It's funny when something you thought was no longer a part of your life suddenly comes back in full force and it makes you realize how important it was to you all along. That's how it was for me when I got the news that Upgrade aka Erin Burke was quitting Steam Powered Giraffe. Those who know me know of the time in my life when SPG was a big part of it. I was their self-proclaimed "Original Fanbot" at a time when their patrons were only a small group friends. I got to see their act evolve from anonymous characters to the singing automatons their fans know and love today, but most importantly I got to know the people behind the make-up and called them my friends.....but why am I going on as if the whole band broke up? Why does it matter so much that Upgrade left? I guess the answer lies in the part of my story with them they no longer needed me so much as their following grew along with the pains that arise from being personally acquainted with the individuals of a band that you are a fan of. I suddenly found myself lost in a sea of faces wondering if they wanted me there anymore. Eventually the events I went to became less and less until I stopped going altogether. The remorse I felt for not going and supporting them like I once did also faded. At that point I had decided I had finally "outgrown" them and the Fanbot phase of my life was over. Every once in awhile I did go to a Balboa Park performance of theirs here and there but it wasn't the same. The old magic I used to feel seeing them was gone and I'd drop them some money in their tip bin (something I never did before) before I left.
Even as my interest in them dwindled I guess there was the thought in my mind that that they'd always be there as they were and I could visit them anytime the desire struck me to do so. In affect, I had taken them for granted. That's why it hurt so much when I heard Erin quit. I guess the feeling I felt can be compared to when Geri Hallawell left The Spice Girls. Even though you know she wasn't the best performer you know she added something special and unique to the group that would not be there otherwise. Not that you doubt the talents of the others to carry on in her absence and succeed, just that you know it will never be the same. In the case of SPG, Upgrade softened the inherent snarky-ness of the others and made their act more palatable to a wider audience - the usual job of the only girl in a band with three guys. They probably would not have achieved the following they have today without her and I do have doubts about whether the band can survive Upgrade-less, though the fandom seems to have gotten over the loss rather quickly. I was surprised to find that there was no announcement of her last official performance with the group or any kind of proper send-off; the announcement of her departure was made and then it was business as usual. "Come to our show! Buy our new single!" My disillusionment is now complete but there will always be my memories, evermore bittersweet than they were before of a time I can never get back. Always the blissful fanbot sitting in the front row, singing along to every word, high of that wonderful sense of belonging....

How original

I hate this lonely feeling I get soo much. I just want someone to talk to, dammit. I once came to point in my life where I though I had friends I could hang out with at a regular basis. I thought I'd never get this lonely feeling ever again. I guess I screwed it up cause they don't talk to me anymore. I guess I'm just meant to suffer being alone. My old friends hardly ever have time for me. I have a boyfriend but I need more than just him to have a normal social life.

Humbug

I guess to kick things off here I can start out talking about the "holiday" season of which we are currently immersed in.

I honestly can't say its my favorite time of year. The long nights and bleak weather always has a negative affect on me for one. Then there's my family; having to be stuck in the same house together is never a good idea. We all find a way to get on each others nerves. I sarcastically call it our family tradition. Then there's the presents; getting them for my friends or boyfriend is easy; I know them and know what they like so finding them a gift with meaning is not a problem. This brings the problem of my family again. Unless they specifically  tell me what they want (which kind of defeats the purpose) I have no idea what to get them and rely on getting the kinds of gifts one usually reserves for people they hardly know (gift card city). Then there's my son, who changes what he wants every day after seeing the latest piece of plastic being marketed to kids on TV. He has soo much stuff already that I end up not getting him that much knowing he'll get tons of crap from my parents and other relatives. More pieces of plastic waiting to get broken for me to step on barefoot. :(

I would enjoy this time of year if I lived away from my family so I could celebrate it in my own way; without the tension and stress and all of the "stuff".

Post Nuero Ichi

Another attempt to start up and maintain a blog :P

I've tried to keep one here and there. Myspace, Livejournal, but none that I ever maintained successfully (hence the name of this one) I've got so much on my mind, so I'm hoping this blog can be the "trash can" of my mind. Here's hoping.