Subjects

In a renewed attempt to write in this blog I will break the subjects of this entry down individually:

My Boyfriend:

Has been in the hospital for about a week with pneumonia. Can't say its been easy on me. He's pretty much completely covered and should be discharged by Monday. You don't know how much you take even simple things for granted, like cuddling up next to your boyfriend and watching tv until you can't do it. He's been on an IV the whole time which meant for a lot of the time he couldn't move around a lot because the pain it caused the hand it was in. Seeing him in pain and not knowing what to do to make him feel better was the worst.

School:

Is a big, lonely place and its really starting to get to me. I walk around and see groups of people and it pains me that I don't have a group of my own to go to. During my last semester at Grossmont there was a group I hung out with. Though they were only casual acquaintances through classes I've taken it meant a lot to me that they let me hang out them. I didn't know then how much I'd miss having that; to see people who know you and welcome you on a regular basis. Past circumstances has caused me to be increasingly aloof around people, especially those I don't know. I've even got complaints from my mom that I'm not "social" enough at family gatherings. I don't do it to be an asshole. I don't want to make my presence a burden on anyone so I simply choose not to engage myself. I would much rather be do that than open myself up and suffer alienation by a group I invested a lot of myself into because I did "the wrong things". I would not wish that level of pain on anyone. It fucks you up forever. It causes you to look around at the people you know with a certain suspicion. No one can really be trusted.

My Friends:

Suck. I mentioned (on Facebook) the two above subjects and I got responses from them saying they'd be there for me. So then comes a show I have to see for one of my classes and since my boyfriend was in the hospital I had no one to go with. My "best friend" then offers to go with me until she hears about the ticket price then suggests some other plans to meet up for coffee the following Saturday (which she never followed up on btw). Don't say you're going to be there for me if you're not going to make good on it. I went to that show alone and seeing the theatre filled with groups of friends made me feel just *great*. I would be one thing if this has been the only time my friends have let me down but it isn't. Its been a lot of little shit over the years that I've let go because I choose to give them the benefit of the doubt. I'm coming to the harsh realization that maybe I don't have any real friends, just a lot of acquaintances. Just because someone "friends" you on Facebook and comments on your wall posts does not make them your friend. Sometimes I toy with the idea of deleting all the people from my profile or even deleting it alltogether and never talk to any of those fuckers again. But without them I'd have no one and having literally no one is what scares me the most. I don't like being alone with myself. There is a lot of dark shit inside me that I don't want to deal with but I fight with it every day. I don't think they really know about it.